Subsiding

re·lapse \ri-ˈlaps, ˈrē-ˌ\ noun 15th century Middle English, from Medieval Latin relapsus, from Latin relabi to slide back, from re- + labi to slide
the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding

Seems this religion thing ebbs and flows for me, and I am smack dab in the middle of an ebb tide. Mired in anger born not so much of church as of pop-culture Christian action, coupled with my disappointment that, for me, Jesus never showed up at the inn this year, I've been unable to connect with this faith/religion/church stuff for several weeks now. Last night was the last meeting of the Companions group I've been participating in this fall/winter. It was a fine meeting, and I participated in the discussion, certainly more than I intended to.

The most surprising moment for me was when the leader asked us who we might name as enemies (with an eventual eye towards encouraging us to move towards reconciliation with them)-- and the first thought that came to my mind was, "Christians. Christians are my enemies."

Even more surprising was that I said it out loud. And I had an immediate physical response, a tightening of the jaw, a tensing of the muscles in my chin, that told me I was unhappy with/about this answer. When people pressed me to expand my thought... "All Christians?!," I replied that I couldn't tell-- it's a minefield.

This minefield image fits the popular culture Christians (progressive Christians, with whom I probably still don't agree about most things faith-related, don't really accede to pop-culture prominence), but also my interactions with churches and church people. Even if there are no mines in the whole place, I travel only gingerly through any Christian space, always in fear of an explosion.